


How To Cope?

by hannahfanficrobron



Series: Loss [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Character Death, Death, Loss, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-07-29 04:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7670470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahfanficrobron/pseuds/hannahfanficrobron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Aaron is fatally injured, how will Robert ever be able to cope, letting the love of his life go? Very depressing and dark here. Hope someone will still want to read it! Multi Chapter fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't come after me with pitchforks! I've wanted to try something like this for a while, but felt really inspired tonight to give it a go. Hope you "enjoy" it??

The wind and rain were so loud Aaron couldn’t sleep. The storm was really bad, and rolling onto his side, he couldn’t believe Robert was sleeping through it. He was such a heavy sleeper, nothing woke him. A crack of lightening and a roll of thunder rattled the window pains, and not a twitch from Robert. “Really?” Aaron asked him. “Still sleeping?” Aaron couldn’t help but smile at him, feeling his heart ache wonderfully. He loved him so much.

Knowing he wouldn’t be able to go to sleep now, he went downstairs for a cup of tea. And froze at what he saw. Two men (he assumed) at the cashbox with the weeks takings from the pub. Torn between fighting them and reaching for the phone, Aaron stood still for a second too long.

“Get out of here!” They raced out, pushing past Aaron, who did react now, trying to grab the cash box.

The sharp shock of white pain went through Aaron and he groaned as the men ran away, out of the house, legs completely collapsing from under him, hand clutching his side where the kitchen knife had gone into him. “God…” he whispered, watching the blood almost pour out of his side. “Oh God.” His hand was already wet with blood and he was gasping for breath. He needed help now. Phone… where was his phone? Oh God, it was on the bedside table, up a flight of stairs.

“I heard noises…” Liv trailed off, seeing Aaron collapsed on the floor, eyes wide with pain and fear. “Oh my God!

“Help me, Liv,” Aaron breathed. “Call for help. Now!” he shouted as loud as he could because she’d just been stood there, gaping at him.

“Oh, my God,” she breathed, hurrying for a phone, leaving Aaron to grimace through the pain. This was bad, he already knew that. His hands felt slightly numb and there was a lot of blood on the kitchen floor. Too much blood. Actually, his head was feeling slightly faint. He wanted to sleep, longed to close his eyes.

“Aaron? Aaron!” Recognising his mums voice, he opened his eyes. She knelt by him in his blood, a hand to his face softly. “Oh, love, look at me,” she said quietly. “It’ll be all right, it’ll be fine, Liv’s got an ambulance coming.”

“Mum,” he said. “I… It hurts.”

“I know,” she said, forcing a fake smile. “Just keep holding on for me, can you do that?”

“R… Robert. I need Robert… Now,” Aaron spluttered, struggling to draw breath. “Please.”

“Liv, go!” Chas shouted. She gave Chas the phone to the ambulance before running upstairs, leaving Aaron wondering how he could sleep through this. He knew Robert was a heavy sleeper, but this was ridiculous.

“Get up!” Liv shouted at Robert.

“What?” Robert groaned, pulling himself out of a beautiful dream.

“Aaron’s been stabbed!” Liv said. “Move! Now!” Robert stumbled down the stairs, bleary eyed and not yet having grasped the reality of what Liv was telling him. He ran into the kitchen, freezing as he saw Aaron lying on the floor, immobile. The floor was red with his blood. So much blood he wondered how Aaron was still alive.

“Mum, it hurts.

“I know,” Chas said, clearly crying.

“Love you.”

“No, don’t be doing that,” Chas said. “You’re going to be fine. You’ll be laughing about this in a few days.”

“R.. Robert…” Aaron breathed, head rolling on his neck, eyes closed.

“He’s coming,” Chas assured him. “I promise you, he’s coming. Hold on, love.”

“I’m here,” Robert said, shaking himself out of his stupor, walking over to Aaron. Dear God, he could feel Aaron‘s blood, wet and warm against his bare feet. All Robert wore was his jogging bottoms, which he’d slept in because it had been so cold with the winter storm coming.

“Hey,” Robert said, taking Aaron’s other side from Chas who was gripping his hand tightly. Aaron’s face lit up for a moment, seeing him. Aaron’s breathing was coming in fits and starts, face straining as he struggled for air. Robert tore his eyes away from looked at the stab wound, Aaron’s own hand clutched to it. Knowing it would cause him pain, but also knowing it was the right thing to do, Robert moved his hand away and put his own there, adding a lot more pressure on the wound. Aaron let out an almost inhumane sound of pain, whimpering at the white hot agony.

“I know it hurts, I know, I’m so sorry,” Robert said, hating putting him through more pain. “It’ll give you more time.”

“That… hurt,” Aaron said fervently.

“I know,” Robert said. “Sorry. You’ve called an ambulance, right?!” Robert asked darkly.

“On it’s way,” Chas said. Her eyes meant there was something more, so Robert drew back from Aaron, keeping his hands firmly on the injury.

“What is it?”

“There’s um…” Chas took a deep breath and tried again. “There’s trees down due to the storm. They don’t know how long it’s going to be to get here.” She finished on a sob, and they both looked at Aaron.

“What?” he asked desperately, eyes darting between his boyfriend and his mother. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Love, the ambulance might be a while. Can’t get through the lanes. Trees on the road. You just have to hang on for us.”

“How long?” Aaron asked, clearly in pain.

“We’re not sure,” Robert said, swallowing away the lump in his throat. This couldn’t be happening. Aaron rolled his head back, which hit the cabinet hard. He panted for breath, seeming to realise what was happening.

“I’m dying,” he said with closed eyes. Which flickered open, landing on Robert and demanding honesty. “Aren’t I?”

“No, don’t be stupid,” Robert said. “Course not.”

“Robert, don’t lie to me,” Aaron said. “I need you to listen to me.”

“No, because we’re not doing this,” Robert said firmly. “You are not saying goodbye to me, do you hear me? No.”

“Robert, please kiss me…”

“Aaron, don’t,” Robert said firmly, eyes wide.

“I want to… feel you before I go. Please.” His voice was losing strength, Robert could hear it. He blinked away the tears, unable to deny Aaron this. He kissed him very gently, delighted to feel Aaron’s lips responding under his. He couldn’t stop the kiss. He didn’t care that Chas and Liv were there, it didn’t matter right now. Aaron’s hand came up to cradle his face gently, needing to touch him.

“I love you,” Aaron whispered against him. “I love you so much.”

“And you pick now to tell me?” Robert said desperately, making Aaron breathe a laugh. “Where the hell is that bloody ambulance?” Robert hissed to Chas. She didn’t have the words to reply, crying at the scene unfolding in front of her, so Robert turned back to Aaron. They all knew he was dying, even Aaron. The tension in him, the fight to stay alive when Robert had first found him had gone, replaced by a sort of acceptance. His body had gone softer, like he was accepting this was the reality, this was going to happen.

“Look after Liv, Robert,” Aaron breathed, before grimacing against a wave of agonising pain. “Promise me.”

“Because you were the only thing keeping me from shipping her to an orphanage,” Robert joked. Aaron laughed, a laugh that shockingly reached his eyes. His breathing was incredibly heavy, and it was a struggle to form words at all now. Aaron’s hand was flailing against the floor.  
“Liv…” he breathed. She took his hand, squeezing it as the tears silently fell down her face., unable to speak. “We’ve found something that shuts you up, then,” Aaron said, closing his eyes from the effort of speaking.

“Aaron, no,” Robert said. “You have to keep looking at me. Please. Eyes on me, I can’t let you slip away.”

“I don’t think… you’ve got control over that.”

“Don’t leave me,” Robert begged, voice breaking. The hand that wasn’t pressing on the stab wound moved to cradle his face, stroking his stubbled skin. “I can’t do this on my own.”

“Do what?” Aaron asked.

“Live.”

“You’ll be fine,” Aaron said. He’d stopped struggling for breath, and everything had gone very quiet in the room. The barest intake of breath kept passing Aaron’s lips, bit that was all.

“I want to sleep, Robert,” he said.

“You can’t,” Robert said hoarsely. “Don’t.” Chas moved to put her fingers on his pulse in his neck. The giant sob from her was a sign enough that it wasn’t good.

“Let me sleep.” There was a pause as Robert, Chas and Liv all looked at each other. No one said anything at all, leaving Robert to do the talking, make the decision to let Aaron go.

“Okay then,” Robert said hollowly, feeling his heart break as his thumb gently stroked his face. “Okay, go to sleep then, and it‘ll all be okay. I’ll be there when you wake up.”

“You won’t leave me alone?” Aaron asked in a very quiet, begging voice.

“No, Aaron. I won’t leave you alone,” Robert promised. He was aware he was crying, but couldn’t stop it. “Never could, could I?” He smiled even as the tears filled his eyes.

Aaron’s face slowly mirrored Robert‘s smile before it faded too. “I’m scared.”

“In a few seconds,” Robert started, taking several deep breaths and swallowing against the lump in his throat. “It won’t hurt any more.”

“Okay…” Aaron said faintly. “Promise me?”

“I promise,” Robert said. Aaron relaxed then, seemingly having got what he wanted. Robert saw the moment it happened. The moment when Aaron’s eyes lost their focus, lost the life in them. Simply staring at one spot. The air was no longer rushing over his lips, the expression on his face completely immobile. He’d gone. Actually left him.

“Aaron, please,” Robert whispered. Nothing. The tears that had been building flooded forward and Robert couldn’t help but lean over him, resting his head in the crook of Aaron’s neck as he cried against his soft skin, his soft now blood stained skin, Aaron’s sightless eyes staring straight ahead. Chas and Liv changed from their silent crying to loud hysterics but Robert didn’t have the attention to spare for them. He just cried against Aaron, longing to feel his lovers arms around him just once more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so pleased about the response to the first chapter, I really thought no one would want to read it with me being so cruel! Thank you so much! This is not going to be a happy story, as I'm sure you've gathered by now. But I hope you "enjoy" reading it anyway.

“Robert?” The voice felt like it was miles away. Far too far. “Rob, look at me. Robert, come on!” He blinked himself out of his almost doze like state to see Liv standing in front of him, upset and worried.

“What?” he asked, feeling like his voice wasn’t working properly. The room was now filled with strangers who shouldn’t be here. Strangers who shouldn’t be touching Aaron, paramedics and police. Apparently the murderer had been stealing the pubs cash box. Aaron had told Chas that while Robert had wasted precious seconds getting down the stairs.

“You need a shower,” Liv said quietly. “You’re absolutely covered.” Robert looked down at himself, realising she was right. His chest was completely blood splattered, but the worst was his hands and his knees, where he’d knelt next to Aaron, trying to comfort him before he’d gone.

“I can’t,” Robert said slowly. Disgusting as it was, horrific as it felt, it was Aaron’s blood on him. The last part of him he’d ever really be able to touch. 

“You need to,” Liv said, taking a deep breath. “I need to.” Robert looked at her and saw how covered in blood she was too. And Chas, who was being made a strong cup of tea by Cain (more whisky than tea by this point). 

“Robert, I’m scared,” Liv said with wide eyes. Feeling like they couldn’t get any filthier, Robert pulled her into a hug, letting her cry against him.

“Go get yourself cleaned up,” Robert said. The first full sentence he’d managed. Liv nodded, going upstairs, crying. Robert couldn’t move off the kitchen chair he’d collapsed on when he’d finally been able to let Aaron go. His hands were awful, Aaron’s blood drying brown on his skin, nails ringed with red. He watched as the paramedics put Aaron onto a stretcher, feeling sick as another persons hands touched Aaron, his Aaron.

“Wait… w w…” Robert tried again. “Where are you taking him?”

“To the hospital,” one of them said kindly.

“You mean the morgue,” Chas corrected, the tears falling steadily down her face.

“It’s all right sis,” Cain said. “Let him go.” Robert had no memory of him turning up. He guessed Charity had called him.

“Wait,” Robert said again, finally getting up. “You can’t… take him.”

“Robert, they have to,” Cain said, and everyone present could hear the emotion in his voice, near to breaking. Robert reached for him, Aaron lying totally immobile on the stretcher. His face was empty of emotion, and looking at him, Robert realised that the Aaron he loved wasn’t there any more. It was just the shell of him. Robert shook his head, unable to look at him any longer. The paramedics walked out, leaving them all in a shocked silence, with two police officers, one of whom had bagged the kitchen knife in an evidence bag.

“Robert, you need to shower.” He looked up and it took longer than it should for his mind to connect a name with the face. Charity. “Wash away the blood, come on. You’re doing no one any good sitting there. Come on.” Robert let her direct him upstairs, having reached the end of his ability to bear any more.

* * *

 

Robert awoke with a start. He still felt really groggy, and knew it was down to the drugs the paramedics had given him last night. For shock apparently. Looking out the window, he could tell it was early, light just creeping over the tops of the trees. But it wasn’t raining, so that was something. His arm reached for the other side of the bed out of instinct. But of course there was no one there. It left him feeling hollow. He couldn’t stay in the bed that carried Aaron’s ghost, the imprint of his body on his side of the bed still there. He got up and started dressing slowly. His hands didn’t seem to be obeying the messages from his brain any more.

Instead of his own shirt, his eyes caught Aaron’s hoodie, tossed carelessly over the chair where he’d thrown it last night. How was it possible so much had changed it twelve hours? Robert picked it up slowly, carefully, almost reverently. Unable to stop himself, he buried his face in it, breathing in deeply the scent of Aaron. The collar smelt of his hair gel, the fabric still smelt of his body. Robert swallowed against the despair he felt overwhelming him. He couldn’t stop himself, he put Aaron’s hoodie on, zipping it up slowly over his bare chest. Being surrounded by Aaron’s scent gave him such a good ache in his heart. It didn’t really fit him properly, the sleeves were too short, too tight across the shoulders, but he wasn’t taking it off. The reminder of Aaron was so strong, he’d rather rip his own arm off than lose it at the moment.

He moved to leave the bedroom when a phone rang. It was Aaron’s. Robert reached for it impatiently, reading the caller. Adam. He couldn’t answer it, couldn’t bring himself to tell Adam what had happened. Adam would be devastated too, and there was only so much Robert could deal with right now. Once it’d stopped ringing, Robert fumbled with the phone, listening to the voice mail.

“Aaron, where are you?” Adam’s easy voice said. “We said an early start today, to clear up from last night. If I have to leave Vic this early, you have to get your lazy arse out of bed and leave Robert. All right? See you soon mate.” Robert closed his eyes before very carefully putting Aaron‘s phone back on his bedside table. It was at 24% battery, so he plugged in the charger out of habit, Aaron was always forgetting to charge his phone. Telling Adam what had happened would be awful. How much bad could Robert take in one twenty four hour period? 

He went downstairs finding Chas in the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, she hadn’t slept. He felt a wave of nausea when he saw that she was mopping up the blood on the kitchen floor. He hadn’t even thought about that. He watched as she poured a bucket of pink water down the sink and he felt sick, especially as the smell of bleach reached his nose.

“Take a sleeping pill,” Robert said instead of good morning. “Go to bed.”

“Like I can sleep right now,” Chas said, leaning against the sink and staring out the window. “We don’t all have the option of being drugged up.” Robert felt the sting of criticism but let it go. He barely remembered the paramedics basically forcing the pills down his throat with a glass of water. Nothing had mattered then. Not much mattered now. Chas turned to him, stopping when she saw what he wore. “Don’t,” Robert said. “I need…” _Aaron_ , his mind said. “Fresh air. I’m going out,” he said speaking very slowly, like every word cost him a great effort. “Do you… need anything?”

“No,” Chas said. “Of course I don’t. I need what I can’t have.”

“Okay.” Robert turned to leave.

“Actually…” Chas said, making him stop. “I can’t… tell people about it. I don’t have it in me. Can you… mention it to Bob or Brenda? What happened. It’ll all be over the village within the hour.”

“I will,” Robert said, knowing that was the best option if they didn’t want to go over it again and again. Robert grabbed his coat, needing to keep Aaron’s hoodie tight against his own skin, not letting anyone else see or God forbid touch it. No one could touch that but him or he’d completely lose his mind.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those sticking with this really sad story, and especially those commenting! Hope it's still readable in spite of the subject matter.

The fresh air felt incredibly good. After the stifling scents of blood and bleach, the damp clean air filling his lungs felt like a balm to him. Robert didn’t know why he needed to walk around the village, but a lack of anything else to do made it seem like a good idea. His mind wandered, not landing on anything serious, simply drifting. Any time his thoughts lingered too near Aaron, he pushed them away, focusing on the gravel under his feet, the wind on his face, the oil stain on the right sleeve of Aaron’s hoodie. No, too close. Too painful.

Robert found himself standing outside Victoria’s, no memory of having got there. Slowly, dragging his feet, he knocked on the door.

“Hey Rob, are you… woah, what’s happened to you?” she asked when she opened the door, reading his face.

“I need… to talk to Adam,” Robert said slowly. “Is he here?”

“No,” Vic said. “Up at the scrap yard, moaning because Aaron’s left him to do all the work.” At Aaron’s’ name, Robert flinched. Hearing someone else say it so casually hurt him more than it should. “Robert, what’s happened?” she asked softly.

“It’s…a… Aaron,” Robert said, looking at the ground. Vic‘s eyes were too soft, too kind for him to hold her gaze. “The pub was burgled last night and…” Robert exhaled heavily. This was difficult. Impossible.

“Robert…” Vic said quietly, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. Robert only then realised how cold his own hands were, when touched by hers. “Say it.”

“Aaron was stabbed,” Robert said, the words feeling alien in his throat. Because this couldn’t have happened to his Aaron, could it? “He…”

“No,” Vic said, reading his face. The relief Robert felt from not having to voice the words, not having to say the word “dead” couldn’t be under estimated. “No, it can’t be,” she said. Robert managed to look at her into her eyes, seeing her crying.

“He…” Robert swallowed and tried again. “It happened in my arms. I was holding him when he…” Victoria hugged him and Robert let her, stroking her hair. It wasn’t much comfort, but it was a small something.

“We need to tell Adam,” Vic said, pulling away and wiping here eyes.

“I can’t drive up there,” Robert said. “I’ve still got sedatives in my system.”

“What?”

“Paramedics gave me something last night,” Robert said, shaking his head. “Meant to help. It didn’t.”

“Have you slept?”

“About four hours,” Robert said. “And it wasn’t sleep, not really. More... drifting into unconsciousness.”

“Let me grab my keys,” Vic said. “I’ll drive you up to the scrap yard.” Robert nodded, waiting on the doorstep as she did so.

* * *

 

Robert wasn’t prepared for how he’d feel when the portacabin came into view. God, the pain, the memories, good and bad. He stopped looking at the building, instead finding Adam who was lugging scrap around. The nights storms had clearly done some damage. Adam stopped working when he saw the car, smiling. Vic and Robert got out, both of them leaning against their doors.

“Where’s your good for nothing boyfriend then?” Adam said smiling at the pair of them. “Leaving me to do all the heavy lifting? Lunch better be on him.”

“Adam,” Vic said quietly, the warning clear in her voice. Robert looked at the ground. He couldn’t say it, but he knew Vic was looking at him, waiting for him to take the lead

“What’s happened?” Adam asked, obviously cottoning on that something big had occurred. “Go on, spit it out.”

“It’s Aaron,” Vic said, seeing that Robert couldn’t start.

“What’s the idiot gone and done now?” Adam asked.

“He was stabbed last night,” Robert said briefly, unable to think about the words he was actually saying.

“Is he in hospital?” Adam asked, dropping whatever bit of scrap had been in his hand.

“Adam, it’s really bad. It's worse,” Vic said quietly. She walked to her husband, hugging him as Adam looked over his shoulder at Robert. Something in Robert’s face must have said the truth because Adam closed his eyes, hugging Vic tighter. The sight made Robert feel completely empty. The one person he wanted to hold him, to make it all better wasn’t here any more. He couldn’t look at the love and comfort between them without aching for Aaron. He turned to walk back to the village alone. He’d taken all he could right now from Vic, she wasn’t helping him. Maybe the long walk would help. But he doubted it.

* * *

 

Keeping his promise to Chas, he went into the café, which was thankfully empty. “Oh, long night was it?” Bob asked happily, seeing Robert’s face. “What can I get you?”

“Er… coffee,” Robert said, out of habit rather than because he really wanted one. “And I’d like you to spread the news.”

“About what?” Bob asked, going behind the counter. Robert took a deep breath, trying to form the words in his head. _Aaron died last night._ That sentence shouldn’t be so hard to say, but it was. Final. Hurtful. Agonising. “You all right?” Bob asked.

“Aaron… he…” _Just say it, Robert_ , his mind screamed at him. “Last night, he was attacked. Stabbed. Aaron died last night.” That sentence drained him completely and he closed his eyes as he tried to pull himself together. As if by saying the words, it made them more true.

“Oh my God!” Bob said, clearly shocked. “I’m so sorry!”

“Do you mind… telling everyone?” Robert said. “I can’t. I can’t deal with the gossip and go through it over and over… let everyone know, yeah?”

“Of course, if that’s what you want,” Bob said. “There’s your coffee.”

“Oh. My wallets at home, I forgot it,” Robert said, disorientated.

“Don’t worry,” Bob said, clasping a hand to his shoulder. “Go home. Get some sleep.”

“I can’t sleep,” Robert said. “Never want to sleep again.” Robert left the café feeling completely out of it. He longed to curl up in bed, but knew he couldn’t. Even if he did, the longing for rest he wanted, he’d never be able to get without Aaron.

He walked over to the Woolpack, opening the door to the back room. He braced himself, going into the kitchen where Aaron had died last night. He couldn’t stop staring at the floor. He’d held Aaron there as the blood poured out of him, asking him to fight it. And when it’d been clear that wasn’t going to work, helping him to let go. He wasn’t sure he’d ever forgive himself for telling Aaron it was okay to fall asleep, to stop clinging on to life. How could he do that? Almost like giving him permission to leave him. But he was in so much pain, the rational side of his mind said. So much pain and he wouldn’t have made it anyway. You helped him. Robert shook his head, at that moment catching sight of Liv curled up on the sofa, clearly crying.

“Robert,” she said, very quietly, standing up. Robert forced a smile at her before wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed into his chest. For the first time, that day Robert felt like he was with someone who might just understand a little of how he felt.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments, they mean the world to me!! And thank you for reading this depressing story!

“Now… that was one of the worst conversations of my life,” Chas said, dropping the phone on the kitchen table, head bowed as she took some deep breaths. “And I’ve had to listen to some pretty awful things in my time.” Liv and Robert were lounging on the sofa, staring unseeingly at the television to give them something to do. The day was ticking by so slowly it was painful for everyone.

“What?” Liv asked, not following.

“When’s he flying home?” Robert asked. The shock was now wearing off a little and he was actually able to speak properly without it hurting, though he was still hugging Aaron‘s hoodie close to his body. He was able to go through the motions unless he let his mind wander onto dangerous painful subjects.

“As soon as he can catch a flight. Hopefully by tonight, Paddy’s already on his way to the airport.”

“Who’s this?” Liv asked, confused. At the moment none of them were really following conversations very well.

“Aaron’s dad,” Robert said. “For want of a better explanation,” he added at Liv’s face.

“Right,” Chas said taking a seat. “Anyone want to put any ideas forward for the funeral?”

“You are not serious,” Robert said in disbelief. “This time yesterday he was moaning because he’d forgotten about the pizza and it’d burnt in the oven. Now you’re planning his funeral?!”

“Robert, it gives me something to do rather than sit here replaying last night over and over again, or waiting for the phone to ring,” Chas said desperately. “Or trying to stop imagining my sons blood pouring all over the kitchen floor.”

Robert paused, seeing where she was coming from but knowing this was far too soon. “I’m not going,” Robert said firmly. There was no way he could be present when Aaron was carried into a church in a wooden box.

“You’re not going to your boyfriends funeral?” Liv asked in disbelief. “It’s _Aaron_ , for God‘s sake.”

But that’s just the point, Robert thought. Aaron’s no longer here, a funeral was only to give comfort to those left behind. It wouldn’t give Robert any comfort, he was convinced of it. “You’ll regret not going, Robert,” Chas said gently. Robert ignored this.

“You know what, I need a drink,” Robert said, not wanting to go there. He couldn’t even think about the funeral, not yet. He was just starting to wrap his mind around the fact that probably right now Aaron would be having a post mortem. Violent unexpected death, the police had told them they had no choice. Procedure. The thought of more strange people having their hands on Aaron’s body, inside him, made him want to throw up. Or down an entire bottle of whisky. Aaron didn’t like strangers touching him. On that not so happy thought, the door to the back room opened, revealing Andy, shockingly enough.

“If you’re here to have a go, don’t,” Robert said harshly, getting up and readying himself for a fight. “I’ve just about had all I can take for one day and it’s not even past one in the afternoon yet.”

“Who let you in?” Chas asked not wanting a Sugden family feud on top of everything else.

“Marlon let me through to see Rob,” Andy said quietly. “I’m not here to wind you up.”

“What do you want then?” Robert asked.

Andy held up a bottle of whisky. “I’m not here to give you sympathy. I am here with booze. Take it or leave it”

“Perfect,” Robert said. Right now he didn’t want to talk, he wanted to drink, getting up to follow Andy out of the pub.

“Robert,” Liv said, quietly reprimanding. “It’s way too early for a drink.”

“I think today’s an exception,” Robert said. He knew he was abandoning Liv, the look on her face made it clear, but whisky sounded like such a good idea right now he couldn’t turn it down. He squeezed Liv’s shoulder gently in reassurance. “I won’t be out long.”

“Yeah, knowing us we’ll end up in a fist fight within twenty minutes,” Andy said. It was the first time Robert had even felt vaguely like smiling. His eyes definitely caught his brothers though, the connection surprising from where it came from.

“I’ve got my phone, call me if you need me,” Robert said to the room at large, grabbing two glasses. He felt a little guilty for leaving Liv, but he wouldn’t be long.

* * *

 

“I must admit, out of all the people I thought would come offering whisky, you were pretty far down the list,” Robert said, pouring more into the glass. He hadn’t eaten all day and was probably drinking too much, but it was good. Numbing. The images of Aaron dying became a little less sharp with each sip. They were sat outside the cricket pavilion and it was freezing, but neither of them cared. They were both farmers sons after all.

“Well, I’m not good at offering sympathy,” Andy said. “But I know you love him.”

“I do,” Robert said. He closed his eyes, breathing heavily as another wave of loss overwhelmed him.

“I know what you’re going through, Rob. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”

“Really?” Robert asked, feeling like that was exactly who he was for Andy. “Not even me?”

“No, not even you,” Andy said. “You’d come the closest though.” Robert felt a tiny bit of relief that not everything had changed then. “I am sorry.”

“It feels so strange,” Robert said slowly. “I’m expecting him to almost… walk around the corner. Or wake me up and tell me this is a terrible dream.”

“I thought you’d be more upset, to be honest,” Andy said. 

That hurt and Robert stared at him. “So what, because I’m not falling apart in floods of tears, you think I’m not hurting? He died in my arms, Andy,” Robert added through gritted teeth. “Just because this isn’t how you’d react.”

“Sorry,” Andy said, holding his hands up.

“I want…” Robert took another deep breath and tried again. “I want to hold him, to kiss him again when I don’t taste blood.” Andy looked awkward and Robert realised that his brother would never be fully comfortable with the fact Robert slept with men. Like dad. “You know what, forget it,” Robert said. “This was a bad idea.”

“Robert, come on.”

“Thanks for the whisky,” Robert said, returning to the pub without another word.

* * *

 

The hours ticked slowly by, no one speaking. It felt as if they were frozen with nothing to do now Aaron was missing between them.

“I want to see him,” Liv said. “I don’t really remember last night. I was half asleep and… all he wanted was you anyway. I want to say goodbye properly.”

“You want to see him in the mortuary?” Robert asked, feeling his heart drop. He did not want to see Aaron there, cold, immobile, covered with a sheet in that cold place but he wouldn’t let Liv either go alone, or go with anyone else.

“I do,” Liv said. “I think I need to.” Liv looked at him, biting her lip.

“Please don’t do that,” Robert said, voice hoarse, his heart freezing at the sight.

“I want to,” Liv said urgently, before returning to biting her lip.

“No, that,” Robert said, gently pulling her bottom lip free from her teeth.

“Sorry,” she said, realising what she’d done. Often she’d seen Robert staring at Aaron’s mouth when he’d done the exact same thing, knew Robert had loved it. “I can see from your face you don’t want to go.”

“No, I don’t,” Robert said honestly. Seeing Aaron on a cold table, still and… dead wasn’t what he wanted at all. “But I’ll go with you.”

“You will?” she asked hopefully.

“Not going to make you go alone, am I?” Robert said, forcing a tiny tilt of his lips upwards. “Tomorrow. Okay?”

“Thank you,” she said, hugging him again. Robert felt the tears coming and he blinked them away. That wasn’t helping. He’d hugged Liv more today than he had in the past few months put together. Aaron was their link, the glue who kept them together. Without him, Robert didn’t know if he and Liv would make it. But God he hoped so.

* * *

 

Robert’s eyes were itching with tiredness but he felt so reluctant to face going upstairs, to his and Aaron’s bedroom. His absence would be even more pronounced there. When Robert realised he couldn’t put it off any longer, he dragged his feet up the stairs slowly. Chas had knocked herself out with gin and a sleeping tablet, Liv had gone to sleep a while ago. Leaving just him. He opened the bedroom door, staring at the bed. There was no way in this world he could sleep on those bed sheets, where Aaron had been so close next to him. Where he should be next to him now. Part of it would be comforting but he would never be able to sleep surrounded by such a potent sign of Aaron’s loss. And as devastated as he was, he needed sleep.

Robert suddenly rushed around the room, changing the sheets like a man possessed. When he’d finished, he stood staring at the bed, and realised that he’d have to take Aaron’s hoodie off to go to sleep. It’d been his comfort today, the only possible way he’d been able to keep himself together throughout this nightmare of a day, having something Aaron wore against his skin. Occasionally catching the scent of him. No one had commented on what he was wearing, except from Chas’s first look earlier that morning. A lifetime ago. Robert unzipped the hoodie, hand shaking badly as he pulled it off. He carefully folded it up, much more carefully than Aaron had ever treated his clothing. He pressed his face to the fabric, inhaling deeply. It was wrong. Only one day and it had started to smell more of him than Aaron. One day? God, no. Not already, it was too soon. _A lifetime wouldn’t be enough_ , his more logical side said. But he wasn’t in the mood to be logical, he was too emotional, too hurt and too tired. Unaware of how he got there he found himself collapsed to the floor, sobbing his heart out into Aaron’s hoodie.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the encouragement on this, I'm overwhelmed! As a warning, while writing this chapter I did cry so....

Robert went downstairs relatively late the next morning, again wearing Aaron‘s hoodie. He hadn’t totally drifted off until about five in the morning. He went down to the kitchen, finding Chas, Cain and Paddy all huddled around the kitchen table. All three of them looked like they’d been crying.

“We want a word with you Sugden,” Cain said.

“And before coffee, aren’t I popular,” Robert said sarcastically as he reached for a mug, helping himself.

“The police have called,” Chas said. “They know who did it.” Robert closed his eyes, swallowing against the fear pulling him under. “Fingerprint on the knife led them straight to him. They found the pubs cash box in his flat. Definitely him.”

“Okay,” Robert said as neutrally as possible. “And?” he asked, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“They’ve got him in police custody,” Cain said, taking over. “I’ve got contacts inside, and I thought we might pay him a visit. Return the favour.” Neither Chas nor Paddy looked happy, but they weren’t arguing either.

“What do you want from me?” Robert asked emotionlessly, keeping his palms wrapped around his coffee cup.

“Criminals don’t do favours for free,” Cain said. “We don’t have the money and I thought…”

“No,” Robert said, though every instinct in him wanted to tear this man apart, the person who‘d taken Aaron away from him for good. Sod getting someone inside to do it for him, he wanted to physically hurt this man himself. But he wouldn’t. Aaron had hated prison, a long stretch inside felt like a better punishment than five incredibly satisfying minutes strangling the life out of him. Especially when Robert knew it was likely to come back and haunt him if he did go through with it.

“Come on, Robert,” Cain said. “I know how much Aaron meant to you. To all of us. Someone needs to take the punishment for it! Can’t let him get away with it!”

“Believe me, I’d love nothing more than to rip his head off,” Robert said. “But I can’t do it.”

“Why not?” Chas asked, scowling at him. “When did you become all moral?”

“When I realised I could lose Aaron if I kept doing the same old rubbish,” Robert said, unable to hold back the slight pause on Aaron’s name “I’m not getting involved in this because he wouldn’t want me to. And when you’re thinking rationally, you know that’s true.”

“Because Aaron was always calm and never acted rashly, did he?” Paddy said. Robert shook his head. He knew with more certainty than he would ever be able to put into words that Aaron wouldn’t want him taking revenge into his own hands. It didn’t stop the urge, but knowing how disappointed Aaron would be, that did stop his hand. He’d already thought about this, what he’d do to the person who killed Aaron if he had the chance. Now he knew.

“Come on Sugden. Didn’t have you down as soft,” Cain said with a raised eyebrow.

“Aaron wouldn’t want it.”

“You don’t know that,” Chas said, feeling the same need for revenge her brother did, though more muted by her grief.

“I do know that!” Robert shouted. “Or have you all conveniently forgotten that Aaron stopped you from killing Gordon?” he added, pointing at Cain. “That man hurt Aaron more than anyone ever deserves, he never got over it, and still Aaron said no. You think he’d change his mind for a burglary gone wrong? I know he wouldn’t.” The three of them looked like they were considering it, but then Cain shook his head.

“Well, I’m not willing to stand aside and do nothing,” Cain said, getting up and moving to leave. “He needs to hurt the way we‘re hurting.” Robert didn’t say anything else as Cain left. He knew what Aaron would have wanted, but he wasn’t going to waste his limited energy right now convincing everyone else.

“Hi Paddy,” Robert said blankly. He nodded once, and Robert could see that he’d been crying.

“Was he happy?” Paddy asked Robert. “The last few weeks of his life, I mean,” he added. “Had he been happy?”

“Aaron, happy?” Robert asked, making Chas at least smile. “Yeah,” Robert said quietly, studying his coffee intently. “I think he was.” He couldn’t bear any other idea entering his head. He had to think that he made Aaron happy, the way Aaron made him happy. There was no other option for him.

“Right, I’m ready,” Liv said, coming into the room putting her jacket on. “Are you going to live in that thing now?” she asked, pointing at his hoodie. Everyone in the room went silent and Liv realised she’d touched at something she shouldn’t.

“Today I am,” Robert said. “Ask me again tomorrow.” He put an arm around her gently and she forced a smile, grateful that Robert hadn’t shouted at her. He reached for his car keys, hanging on the hook by the door and he froze. Aaron’s keys were hanging right next to his. Robert picked up his own, then by instinct, picked up Aaron’s too, slipping them in his pocket.

* * *

 

Driving took a lot more concentration than usual, something Robert was grateful for, he couldn’t focus on Aaron when he needed to pay attention to the road. Then it took ages to find a parking space in the hospital car park. When he’d finally parked, Robert leant his head against the window, closing his eyes.

“You don’t want to do this, do you?” Liv said from the passenger seat.

“No,” Robert said. “A very small part of me’s still pretending that I’ve gone away on one of my business things. We’ve gone this long without seeing each other before.” But not without talking. When they weren’t together, Robert always called him to hear his voice, let Aaron relax him simply by talking about his day.

“I shouldn’t have asked you,” Liv said. “I shouldn’t put you through this again. I’ll go in on my own.” She opened the car door but Robert gripped her hand to stop her.

“No, you won’t,” Robert said. “What do you think Aaron would say to me if I let you go alone, just because it’s difficult for me to cope with?”

“Probably to get your head out of your arse and get on with it,” Liv said, making them both laugh. Robert couldn’t believe he was sitting outside the hospital morgue, preparing to see Aaron’s body and laughing.

“I miss him already,” Liv said, when the laughter faded away.

“I know you do,” Robert said, squeezing her hand tightly. “I do too. Let’s say goodbye properly.”

* * *

 

It had taken a long conversation with someone in administration before they could see him, which was leaving Robert more anxious than he should have been. Eventually they stood outside the family room, and Liv had paled significantly.

“Ready?” Robert asked.

“No.” But Liv moved to open the door anyway. Robert followed her, wondering if his heart was going to explode. He didn’t want to be here. In fact, he’d take anywhere else in the world right about now. Didn’t know how he’d feel, seeing Aaron like this. He wanted Aaron curled up in their bed, moaning at the cold rush of air when Robert got up first, yanking the duvet off of him. He wanted the Aaron who muttered under his breath when the Saturday football tables came up and had no idea he was doing it. Not this.

They walked into the room with an attendant present, the body covered with a sheet. Robert swallowed with difficulty, a hand on Liv’s shoulder before he nodded at the attendant. He removed the sheet, showing Aaron’s immobile face and Liv sobbed.

“Oh, Aaron,” she breathed. Robert couldn’t look at him. He’d caught one brief glance of his closed eyes, and that was enough. Because Robert wasn’t looking at his face, he saw his hand peeking out from underneath the sheet and before he could stop himself, he made to hold him gently. His hand was stiff, immobile and cold, but it was Aaron’s as he ran his thumb gently over the knuckles. Liv was talking to Aaron, but Robert couldn’t hear anything she was saying, he was focusing intently on Aaron’s hand. Those hands had touched every part of him. They’d hurt him, punched him, loved him and healed him. Broke him to pieces when Aaron had blown the affair, then slowly put him back together again. The fact that he would never feel those hands on his skin again seemed impossible. Never feel those hands clutching Robert to him so desperately, holding him tight as if afraid he’d vanish. So unreal. 

Robert took in several deep breaths and braced himself as he looked at Aaron’s face. Liv had clearly finished speaking, because she was watching Robert, waiting.

“Can I have a couple of minutes alone with him?” Robert asked hoarsely. “If you’re ready?” He didn’t want to push Liv out sooner than she wanted, these were moments neither of them would ever get back. Liv nodded, bending her head to Aaron’s ear.

“You asked Robert to look after me? I want you to know… I’ll look after him too. Don’t worry.” That made tears prick at Robert’s eyes, her wavering smile as she left the room. Robert didn’t realise she’d left the door ajar, listening to every word Robert said.

“Okay, so this is difficult,” Robert said, both hands clutching Aaron’s tightly, as he looked at his face. “If we’d had more time, there would be so much I’d need you to know. It was too quick, I couldn’t say goodbye. Not really. I think that’s why Liv wanted to come to see you today. I’ll keep an eye on her for both of us, I promise.” Robert cleared his throat, torn between feeling stupid for talking when Aaron couldn’t hear him and the desperate need to keep talking, to unburden himself.

“You know, I wanted to marry you one day,” Robert said quietly. “I was in no rush though. I thought we had all the time in the world, and I didn’t want to push you away by going too fast. How stupid is that now? I don’t think I ever told you that I saw a long term future for us. That I could see us growing old together, arguing over what was best for Liv even when she got too old to pay any attention at all to anything we said. Not that she listens much now.” He let out a brief smile. 

“I did think about this you know. One of us dying, but I never thought it would be you. I never thought I’d be the one sitting here holding your hand. I’m six years older than you, it was fair for me to go first, Aaron. Especially with everything I’ve done, I almost deserve it, whereas you…? God, you don’t.”

“You’re the good one. You are the better half of me and I don’t know what to do without you. It’s… how am I going to cope with Liv? Without you? You always made it better, whatever went wrong. I… hope I made things better for you. What with the trial last year, I really hope that I helped you get through it.”

"I will miss you so much,” Robert said fervently, still entwining his fingers with Aaron‘s, letting him play with his hand for the last time. “You made me a better man, you stopped me from doing all the rubbish I used to get away with. Even Andy offered me a drink yesterday. I know, can you imagine? I had a conversation with Cain which didn’t end with me tied up in the boot of his car.” Robert was aware that the attendant had started to look at him curiously, but he ignored it. “We all know Chas isn’t my favourite person, but I’ll look out for her too. The way you would if you were still here.”

“Aaron, I love you. And whatever happens in my life, I need you to know I will never forget you. You know me, I probably won’t be single forever, but… you were _it_. For me, you were the one, always. No one else ever came close and no one else ever will. I’m so sorry for making you feel second best for so long when I first met you. Even before this happened, I felt so guilty for that. It was so wrong.” Robert was running out of words now, voice breaking. He knew this would be the last time he’d ever see Aaron’s face, and that hurt so much. He let go of Aaron’s hand gently before leaning over his head. He kissed Aaron’s forehead gently, he didn’t want to kiss his lips. The last proper kiss they’d shared had been when he was alive, and Robert wanted to keep it that way, he wouldn’t exchange it for one now. “I will never forget how much I love you, and it doesn’t stop, just because you’re not here.” He knew he had to leave Aaron, but he didn’t want to. He felt it as a physical pain, the pull of the exit door. He leant over him again, whispering against his skin, “Bye Aaron.” Those words felt inadequate and completely useless, but they were all he had left.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overwhelmed by the comments on the last chapter, thank you so much!! A longer chapter than I usually manage here, so enjoy (if that's right?)

“Are you okay?” Liv said.

“No,” Robert said. Pointless to lie. “Did it help?”

“Yes,” she said. “I needed to see him. Hey, can you drop me in town?”

“Sure,” Robert said, not really thinking about it. “Why?” he added.

“Gabby’s going shopping,” Liv said. “Asked if it was totally wrong or if I wanted to tag along.”

“You’re going shopping?” Robert asked in disbelief. After seeing Aaron’s body? What was wrong with her?!

“It’ll take my mind off it. Or I can sit at home crying about Aaron staring into space for the rest of the day?” Liv suggested. Robert didn’t have a better alternative and right now doing something was much better than nothing.

“Shopping sounds great,” Robert said after a moments consideration. Liv smiled, knowing he’d come around.

* * *

 

“Call if you want a lift back home,” Robert said.

“I will,” she said. “Thanks.” She shut the door and found Gabby almost instantly, sat on a bench, offering a coffee.

“Is that all the sympathy I get?” Liv asked, sitting next to her.

“Hi,” she said. “I didn’t know if I should ask if you wanted to come.”

“No, shopping sounds good right now,” Liv said. “If I sit thinking about Aaron any more I might just lose my mind. Need a black dress too.”

“Whenever dad has a turn, I don’t want to think about it either,” Gabby says. “It’s why I sent you the message. Thought a distraction might be good for you.”

“Sounds good,” Liv said.

“So, when you leaving?” Gabby asked as they wandered down the street.

“Leaving what?” Liv asked, not following.

“Leaving to go to your mums,” Gabby said. “You said she was in Ireland?”

“I’m not leaving,” Liv said blankly.

“But… before. You said your mum only let you stay here because Aaron was looking after you. With him gone, I thought…”

“Oh, my God,” Liv said. That hadn’t occurred to her, but everything Gabby said was true. Her mother could insist on taking her back to stupid Dublin, and there was nothing she could do about it. “I don’t want to leave, this is home! I can’t go to Dublin!”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Gabby said, looking genuinely apologetic.

“Are they going to… No, Rob wouldn’t send me away,” Liv said, trying to convince herself. “Not now, Robert wouldn’t.”

“Do you think he’s going to want his dead boyfriends kid sister hanging around in six months time?” Gabby asked. Liv felt like slapping her. “Someone’s got to say it, Liv,” Gabby added in a softer voice. “You’d probably be better off with your mum anyway. She‘d at least have the time for you.” Liv definitely felt like slapping her.

* * *

 

Robert hadn’t exactly been looking for it, but he found Aaron’s car at the scrap yard. After about ten seconds of indecision, he reached for Aaron’s keys still in his pocket and unlocked it, wanting to have a look through it. Probably should run it by Chas first before going through Aaron’s car, but he didn’t care. He had a look in the boot first, but nothing vaguely interesting there. Toolbox, a phone charger they replaced six months ago and a filthy road map that looked like it hadn’t seen daylight in five years. Then he opened the car, sitting in the passenger seat, thinking. He knew his heart was racing rather fast, but this felt wrong, like he was invading Aarons privacy.

“He isn’t here,” Robert said aloud. This morning, seeing him at the morgue had been awful, but in a twisted kind of way, he’d needed to say those things to Aaron, believe that Aaron would be listening if he could. He also knew if the tables were turned, he’d want Aaron to take any comfort he could from any little thing. Even if it meant going through his own prized car. He turned and looked into the back seat. “Brilliant, thank you Aaron,” Robert said to himself, seeing another one of Aaron’s hoodies there, this one dark blue. “I’m stealing that, know you won’t mind.” He quickly exchanged the one he wore for the new one in the back seat, sighing with pleasure as he surrounded himself with Aaron’s scent again. The old one had worn off. He knew this was a temporary fix, but right now it worked for him, and anything that helped was worth trying.

Robert sighed, wondering what he was looking for as he opened the glove compartment. Lots of receipts, Robert went through them absently, not really expecting anything interesting. Most were for sandwiches or small shops from David’s. 

He put them aside, eyes catching on an empty bottle of coke on Aaron’s side of the car. He pulled down the sun visor on Aaron’s side and smiled. There were two photos there. One of Aaron and Liv, outside the Woolpack both of them looking off into the distance, a smile on Liv’s face. Robert didn’t know when the photo had been taken or who had taken it. It wasn’t him, Robert knew that much. The other one was a picture of himself with Aaron. He remembered it well, he hadn’t slept for two and a half days, some business thing that had run on and on, and he‘d needed to be alert. When he’d got back, he’d almost fallen into Aaron’s arms, so tired it was amazing he’d driven home in one piece. They’d cuddled up on the sofa at the back of the pub, Robert falling asleep instantly, head pillowed on his chest, Aaron keeping his eyes on the telly. Robert hadn’t known anyone had been taking a picture, and it seemed Aaron hadn’t at the time either. Probably Liv. Wouldn’t be in the car if it’d been Chas. Between the pictures, there was a scrap of paper with a phone number on, underneath it written 10am Thursday 27th. That was the day after tomorrow. Robert frowned as he took it. Definitely Aaron’s handwriting. It had taken him a good couple of months to be able to decipher his scrawl in the first place.

Robert took his phone out and called the number, feeling he had nothing to lose. It rang twice.

“Fortnam and Smith, how can I help you?” a perky woman said.

“Sorry, I’m a bit tired, I think I’ve called a wrong number,” Robert stuttered. “Who’s this?”

“Fortnam and Smith estate agents,” she said slowly. “Anything I can do for you?”

“No,” Robert said, realising this must mean Aaron had made an appointment. For them. Then he changed his mind quickly before she could hang up. “Yes,” he said. “I think you’ve got an appointment for Aaron Dingle. On Thursday.

“Let me just check…” she said, clearly typing away on the computer. “Yes, that’s for a viewing. 10 a.m.”

“Perfect, can you give me the address?” Robert asked, looking desperately for a pen in Aaron‘s mess of a car. He could tell the woman was hesitating at giving him the information, so he rambled on. He was good at getting people where he wanted them after all. “Look, Aaron’s my partner and we’re looking for a place together. He told me he had a viewing but forgot the address. It’ll be somewhere in Emmerdale though, I know that much.” He felt fairly confident Aaron wouldn’t have wanted to leave the village. He didn’t either. Still no response from the woman. Hating what he was about to say, he tried it anyway. “Aaron’s away on business, he wanted me to take the viewing instead.”

“Okay,” she said. She gave him the address which Robert committed to memory before hanging up, sitting in the silence of the car. Aaron had been looking at a house for them. The three of them, for their lives together. And he hadn’t told Robert either. This was the first Robert was hearing of it. Maybe he’d wanted it as a surprise. Maybe… Robert didn’t know. Aaron had wanted that future together too, he’d planned ahead. He’d wanted to commit to buying a house for their family, believed they would make it long term.

“Stop bloody crying,” Robert told himself. This wasn’t helping. “Oh Aaron…” He didn’t know how long he sat there when he heard a car drive up, the gravel crunching under the tyres. Robert got out of the car, frowning as he saw Vic.

“What do you want?” Robert asked, leaning against his… well, Aaron’s car.

“I need to talk to you,” Vic said.

“Please,” Robert said quietly. “I can’t do an in depth talk about my feelings right now. And I’m guessing Chas sent you.”

“She needs help,” Vic said quietly. “I am here to drag you back to the pub. Help Chas.”

“With what?”

“Planning the funeral,” Vic said. “She can’t do it all on her own.”

“I’m not planning his funeral,” Robert said firmly. “It doesn’t matter.”

“You think Aaron’s funeral doesn’t matter?”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Robert said. “You think Aaron would care what kind of flowers we get? What hymns are sung? What I wear to say goodbye to him? You think any of that would bother him in the slightest?”

“No,” Vic said. “But he would want you involved in the decisions that have to be made.” Robert couldn’t argue with that because it was obviously true. “You know he would.”

“Vic, I’m just starting to even consider that I can go to that funeral. That I can sit there while people say things that don’t mean very much about Aaron at all before we bury him in the ground.”

“Liv will need you there.” Robert closed his eyes, wondering how long it’d taken her to work out that was her best shot. “Look, I know it’s not the same, but I am here if you want to talk.”  
Robert let out a bitter laugh.

“I’m a good listener,” she said quietly.

“What do you want me to say?” Robert asked when it became clear she wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon.

“Anything.”

There was something about the silence that just invited confidences. “I don’t know how to act,” Robert admitted. “I don’t know if I should scream or cry all the time. Or try and pretend everything’s normal. Normal, how stupid is that? And then I’ve got to be… together and in one piece for Liv. I can’t afford to completely break down. And… I know that everyone, apart from maybe you would have preferred it if it had been me who got stabbed.” It hadn’t been a thought he’d managed to put into words before. But everyone was mourning Aaron, the entire village. Had it been the other way around, how many people would have mourned him?

“Robert, you can’t think like that,” she said.

“Why not? Haven’t got a stellar reputation, have I?” Robert said. “And I deserve it.”

Victoria had nothing to say to that. “Robert, you need to grieve,” she said. “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself for how you should behave. It‘s only been a few days.”

“I want to talk to him,” Robert said passionately. “He’d have known how to talk me round, what to say to make me feel better right now.”

“Adam’s struggling too,” she said.

“I guessed that,” Robert said. "It's not the same though, Vic. I know Adam's grieving the loss of his best friend, but... Aaron is the love of my life. It's different." Victoria nodded in agreement. He knew the scrap yard was closed until further notice and he’d not seen Adam since he’d told him. Robert sighed heavily and pulled Victoria into a hug.

“You look really strange in that,” she said, pointing to Aaron’s hoodie.

“It helps,” Robert said indifferently. He only let go of Vic when his phone rang. Liv.

“You all right?” Robert asked, answering it. “Woah, slow down,” Robert said instantly. He could hardly hear what she was saying over her tears and sobbing. “Calm down, where are you?” Still couldn’t hear her. “I can’t understand you, Liv. Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me where you are."

“Where you dropped me off,” she said, her voice so quiet and broken.

“Right, I’m on my way,” Robert said. “Don’t move, I’ll be there as quick as I can.”

“Kay…” Robert hung up and grabbed his own keys. He needed to get to Liv.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I lied. Said I'd only post one chapter today, but needed to write this one. A little short, but felt the Liv Robert conversation needed it's own chapter. Thanks for reading this far.

It didn’t take him long to find Liv, once he’d parked up. She was sitting on a bench in the middle of town, clearly crying.

“What’s wrong?” Robert asked, wrapping an arm around her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in disbelief. “Aaron’s dead, that’s what’s wrong!”

“Yes, but there’s something else too,” Robert said, flinching at her bluntness. “Don’t forget how well I know you.” Liv didn’t speak straight away, wiping her face as Robert put an arm around her. She buried her head in his chest for a moment, taking the comfort she could from him, at the same time wondering how long she’d be around him. When that thought occurred to her, she parted from him. “Talk to me,” Robert said.

“Gabby said something,” Liv said. “She upset me, but she’s right.”

“Well?” Robert asked, waiting. Lately his patience was very short.

“She asked when I’d be going back to my mums in Ireland,” Liv said, sniffing loudly. Robert froze. She couldn’t leave him. He’d never be able to cope, losing his entire family in the space of a week. Liv might not be blood, but she was family, and that was all that mattered. “Aaron’s the one who was looking after me, and… Gabby thought I was going to Dublin to be with her.”

“Do you want to go?” Robert asked lowly, wondering how much more he could take.

“No!” she said instantly. “Of course I don’t want to go! But you’re going to kick me out. Of course you’re not going to want me around without Aaron. Why would you? I’ll get in the way, and be a constant reminder of… who we’ve lost.”

Robert swallowed around the thickness in his throat. He could not cry in front of her right now. “Liv, do you really think I can get through the next few weeks and months without you?” Robert asked sincerely. He knew he needed her. Liv was quite possibly the only person in the world who knew and accepted just how much Aaron had meant to him, how much Robert had deeply loved him. Robert knew he would need someone who loved Aaron around him to get past this. If not get over it, at least be able to have a functioning life at some point in the future.

“But… at some point, when it doesn’t hurt as much, you’re going to realise having your dead boyfriends sister around is just a total nightmare.”

“I realised that when I first met you,” Robert said, trying to make her smile. She let out a brief sob. “Liv, listen to me,” he said, needing her to understand how much he meant this. “I can’t do this without you. I need you. You’re not going to Ireland.”

“Promise?” Robert hesitated, because he didn’t have the power to make that promise and Liv burst into tears again. “See?!”

“Liv, if your mother insists on keeping you with her, I can’t really stop her,” Robert said. “Officially, I’m not anything to you. If she doesn’t like the idea of me taking care of you, I can’t exactly argue with her.”

“But…” Liv asked, sensing there was one coming.

“But, as far as my opinion goes, I want you here, with me. “

“But what about… if you start seeing someone else? How do you explain me?” Robert cast his eyes down to the ground in pain. Just the thought of being with someone else right now felt awful, but even in grief, he couldn’t deny it was possible in the future. He felt acutely aware of Aaron’s hoodie against his skin and was mentally telling him _only you_.

“Liv, if not months, that will be years away,” Robert said darkly. “I can’t replace Aaron, and I don’t ever want to.”

“Okay, but say one day, you do meet someone. I’ll be in the way. There‘ll be no good explanation for me.”

“Tough,” Robert said instantly. “You and Aaron come first, always. It doesn’t really matter that he isn’t here any more, he’ll still come first with me. So do you, you know?” Liv smiled weakly at him. “Time… won’t help me get over him, Liv. I’m hoping time will make it easier to get up in the morning and he won’t be on my mind every single second of the day, and that the… ache I feel for him will fade a little, but I’ll never be over him. He was much too important to me, and when you’re thinking clearly, when you’re less upset, you know that.” Liv smiled, and let herself lean into Robert’s chest, letting him hold her in the silence, an arm wrapped around her gently.

“We‘ll be okay, won’t we?” Liv said. “Without Aaron, I mean. We’re going to make it, right?” Robert didn’t answer, he couldn’t. He felt highly aware that Aaron was really the only connection they had, all they had in common, but he meant what he said. In his heart, over the past year, Liv had become his family, which was something he didn’t want to ever change.

“I love you,” Robert said, surprised at how right those words felt. He’d never told her before, it’d always felt wrong. It didn’t now.

“Can we go home?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he said. “Come on.” He ruffled her hair in the way she hated before walking back to the car.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't get too excited about the first part of this chapter! Thank you so much for the continued support and especially those who're commenting, it means so much to me. Enjoy.

_“I've missed you,” Aaron said, closing their bedroom door. “I’ve not had you alone in days,” he added in a growl._

_“I swear Nicola gets a kick out of sending me away to these things,” Robert said, closing his eyes as Aaron’s lips kissed his neck, tasting him. “I’ve missed you too.” He had. His touch, his body, his rare smile which always made Robert's heart rate double._

_“I hate you going away, but I love it when you come home,” Aaron teased, groaning as Robert‘s hands reached his arse, pulling their bodies tightly together. “Take it off,” Aaron demanded._

_“Gladly,” Robert said, kissing his perfect lips eagerly as impatient hands fumbled with their clothes. Laughing, it didn’t take long until a trail of material led the way to the bed, both of them wrapped up in the sheets, enjoying the thrill of naked skin against each other, more exciting because of their long absence._

_“Take it off.” Robert frowned at him, not following the conversation. He wanted to focus on more important things, like getting Aaron to moan deep in his throat, the way that turned Robert on immensely._

_“I’m not wearing anything, Aaron.”_

_“Robert, take it off. You've made your point.” Aaron spoke firmly and seriously, giving him his own hoodie which hadn’t quite made it to the floor. “Take it off.” Robert held the screwed up item, not following. “Leave it,” Aaron said. “Enough now.”_

* * *

 

Robert blinked himself awake, staring at the ceiling. He often remembered his dreams, so dreaming of Aaron wasn’t anything new, but this was the first time since he’d gone. He knew he was holding on to that little piece of Aaron, but… maybe he was right. Enough was enough. With shaking hands, Robert dressed, in his own clothes this time. Before he left the bedroom, he carefully folded up Aaron’s hoodie. He didn’t think it had ever been folded before, Aaron never bothered. He left the hoodie on the chair with a sigh and went downstairs.

When he got to the kitchen, he saw Liv eating her breakfast, Chas fiddling around with paperwork. They both looked at him in his normal button up shirt, staring. Robert didn’t want a comment, so he turned his back to them, making coffee, knowing they were looking at each other, sending silent messages.

“I know this is difficult and you’re struggling, but I’m trying to organise a funeral here,” Chas said, speaking more gently than normal. “I need to ask if you want to carry him into the church.”

“Do I want to carry Aaron’s coffin?” Robert asked in disbelief. “No, I don’t want to do it, but I want someone else to do it even less.”

“Okay,” Chas said, forcing a smile that looked completely unnatural.

“Are you getting ready for school?” Robert asked Liv, changing the subject.

“My brother just died.” Both Chas and Robert stared at her, recognising the tone of voice when she was using something to get her own way.

“Getting back to normal might help,” Robert said gently.

“I’ll go if you answer me one thing,” Liv said. “You back at work yet?” Robert felt an unexpected flash of pain at the casual way she said it, like going back to normal was forgetting Aaron, even though he’d been the one to suggest it.

“I’m going in today,” Robert said truthfully, which surprised both Chas and Liv.

“You think you’re fit for work?” Chas asked. “This is the first time you’ve stopped wearing Aaron’s hoodie all week.”

“Don’t,” Robert said harshly. He didn’t want to hear it and part of him was itching to go back upstairs and bury himself in it, the comfort it gave him, the material that had been wrapped around Aaron's body, brushing his skin. “Nicola wants me to deal with a client.” This was true. She’d left a message which basically said, “I know you’re grieving but this is too good to turn down and Richardson will only deal with you.” Robert had reluctantly agreed, knowing it was good money and that if Richardson left, they’d regret it long term. He’d been one of the first clients Robert had charmed when he came to the Haulage company, and knew they had a rapport. Robert had called Nicola, telling her that he would deal with Richardson, but it would probably be the worst bargain he’d ever struck in his career. She had agreed, with an apology for being insensitive. The fact he’d got an apology at all from Nicola meant that she knew what a bad state Robert was in in the first place.

“Half a day,” Liv suggested. “You pick me up at lunch?”

“Deal,” Robert said, forcing a smile.

“Fine, I’ll get ready,” Liv said with a sigh, going upstairs.

“You don’t have to do this,” Chas said.

“Do what?”

“Look after Liv,” she said. “She’s got a mother, I know Aaron wanted her here but… She‘s not your responsibility, Robert.”

“I do have to do it,” Robert said firmly “Her mother’s not here, and she doesn’t have anyone else. Can you imagine the look on Aaron’s face if he thought I’d ship her off the second his back was turned?” Chas smiled, because she could imagine that all too easily. “I know I’m leaving you with all the funeral details, but I can’t.” Robert said, shaking his head. “I can’t cope with it, I honestly don’t know how you are.”

“It’s giving me something to focus on,” Chas said. “I don’t know how I’ll cope when it’s over.” Robert inclined his head before taking another sip of coffee. “I know you love him,” Chas said quietly. “You meant everything to him.”

“Just admitting it, are you?” Robert said, using bravado instead of thinking about her words.

“I’m glad,” Chas said. “That he was happy before… well, before.” Robert rubbed his face impatiently, not wanting to cry yet again. Chas’s acceptance would have meant so much to him last week. Now it felt empty, pointless.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Liv said, appearing in her uniform. “Only half a day though, yeah?” Robert nodded in agreement.

* * *

 

Oddly, he’d managed to slip into his work persona so easily. For a few moments, he forgot. Forgot he was grieving, forgot Aaron wasn’t waiting for him at home, just completely focused on getting the best deal possible. Which he did. Nicola had been right, it was far too lucrative to turn down. He could take the next couple of months really easy if he wanted to. Still on a massive high from the completed deal and signed paperwork, he picked up his phone to call Aaron, let him know he‘d be in a good mood tonight. The phone had been pressed against his ear for precisely one ring when he realised Aaron was no longer here to tell. Robert wasn’t able to talk to him about the good parts of his day any longer. Or the bad bits, come to that. Aaron wasn’t there to share in Robert’s professional happiness, that he was damn good at his job and how it felt to be the best at something. Robert hung up the phone, dropping it on the table with a massive sigh, staring at the screen until it dimmed.

“I miss you.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one chapter left after this one, which I think is good for everyone! Never meant to write something so depressing, but here we are!

The days slowly dripped by, ticking down time to Aaron’s funeral. No one was speaking much. For Robert, the shock had most definitely worn off, but the sense of complete aching loss hadn’t. Probably wouldn’t fade for a while, if ever. Robert had started to begin to accept that Aaron was dead, though when he was tired or not really paying attention, he still half expected Aaron to come around the corner, scowling at him. A scowl which usually lightened when his eyes landed on Robert. He hadn’t been able to go through any of Aaron’s things in their bedroom, going through his car had been enough. He would, eventually, but there was time and he didn’t need to rush. Mentally, he wasn’t quite ready for it. Though he had managed to let go of Aaron’s hoodies, folding them up and carefully putting them back in the wardrobe. It had hurt him immensely to do it, but he knew he had to.

Liv had started to go back to school semi regularly, and she wasn’t arguing it too much either. It was good for her to be with her friends at school again and certainly a distraction from the grief. Robert would like a distraction, but he wasn’t getting one. Would anything distract him right now?

The night before the funeral came with no one knowing what to do. Everyone seemed to have gathered in the Woolpack, the pub had rarely been so full and yet so quiet. Adam approached him, patting him on the shoulder, much less happy than his normal self, eyes ringed with red. He‘d been crying, then. Robert had barely seen Adam lately, he’d had other things on his mind.

“Want to play a game of darts?” he asked. It was just about the last thing Robert felt like doing the night before Aaron’s funeral, but he knew why Adam asked. Something to do that Aaron had enjoyed, that wouldn’t feel like the end of the world. Which was how they all privately felt.

“Yes,” Robert said, throat tight. “That… sounds good.” Adam smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes as they took the darts from Charity behind the bar, Victoria joining them. It was muted, and nothing like a night out that they used to have when it was the four of them, but it was good, though one was so obviously missing. Even a few smiles came from the three of them, and no tears.

“He’d have beaten you, you know,” Vic said, looking at the scores. “Pitiful.”

“Yeah, he would have,” Robert agreed. But the thought wasn’t painful. He was remembering Aaron’s smile, and Aaron happy. That could never hurt him.

* * *

 

In the morning, no one had slept well, except Liv. Once she drifted off, she could sleep through anything. Robert found himself switching between numbness to panic accompanied by shaking hands. It couldn’t be today, this couldn’t be happening.

“Eat,” Chas said, pushing some toast towards him.

“How can you eat?” Robert asked, looking at her in disbelief.

“Well, it tastes like cardboard,” she said. Robert nodded but didn’t reply. “You sleep?”

“No.” Chas looked at him and he continued. “Might be too much information for you, but the bed is far too big without him in it.” Chas smiled tightly. “I need a shower,” Robert said, thinking that could swallow up half an hour of time today. Anything to take up the time.

* * *

 

“Blue tie?” Liv said as Robert came downstairs, dressed and ready for the funeral. “Not black?” Robert looked down at himself before turning back to her, memory overwhelming him for a few seconds.

_“Stop worrying, you look great,” Aaron said from the warm cocoon of their bed. It was far too early to be up, and he had the day off, so he was enjoying watching Robert get ready while he lazed in bed._

_“Which tie?” Robert asked, holding four options up in front of the mirror on the wardrobe_

_“Blue,” Aaron said without even considering._

_“Yeah?” Robert asked, catching his eye._

_“Black’s for funerals or weddings, the red one…” Aaron scrunched up his nose as an explanation. “The patterned one I’m going to burn when you leave for your meeting, and the blue one makes me want to tear your clothes off.”_

_“Oh, does it?” Robert asked, grinning at him as he put the others down, doing the blue one up around his neck. “Want to show me?”_

_“I’ll make you late,” Aaron said, reaching for the end of his tie and pulling him close._

_“I can be late,” Robert said, both of them knowing he was lying. They kissed softly and seductively._

_“Wear it when you come home,” Aaron said. “I’ll tear it off you then.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“Oh, yes,” Aaron said, grinning._

_“Have a good day off,” Robert said, kissing him again._

_“I’ll still be in bed when you get home.”_

_“Now, there’s an offer,” Robert said, leaving the bedroom, both of them laughing._

“It’s Aaron’s favourite,” Robert said, which effectively ended that conversation. He sat down at the kitchen table, closing his eyes and feeling himself slowly falling to pieces. Oh God, this was really happening.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, probably a slightly different ending than expected, but I hope it's enjoyed. Thank you so so so much to those who've given this story a chance, and especially those who've commented!

“Robert, look at me.” The voice felt incredibly far away as he screwed his face up, begging to be anywhere else. The people outside the church, the quiet murmuring as they waited for the hearse.

“Come on, you wouldn’t want to do it like this.” A soft gentle hand reached up for his face. “It’ll be okay.” Victoria’s soft eyes were the thing he focused on as he tried to get his breathing back under control. Stop panicking. “Are you with me?” she asked. Robert nodded once. “Good.”

“Vic, this is too hard,” Robert whispered, knowing his voice was breaking. “I can’t do this.”

“You have to,” she said. “For him.” Robert nodded again, knowing she was right. Everyone looked as the black car approached in silence, the only sound the crunch of the tyres on the road. No, no, no. Every fibre of his body was screaming that this was wrong as the car parked. His Aaron was full of life, he could not be lying cold in that wooden box. Robert had to remind himself to keep breathing, focus on that, dragging air into his lungs, not on the coffin in the car. 

Robert barely remembered carrying the coffin into the church, couldn’t allow his mind to focus on what he was actually doing. Instead he tried to focus on the weight against his shoulder, simply putting one foot in front of the other. It wasn’t until he sat next to Liv in the church pew that he could feel the wet tracks of his tears on his face. He brushed them away impatiently, then looking at his hands, or Liv, anywhere but at Aaron’s coffin.

“Are you…?” Liv asked quietly, not sure where she was going with that. He reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly. He couldn’t talk right now. It wasn’t that the funeral made it more real, it was already far too real for him anyway. It was the pressure of a church full of people watching him, and how he should be behaving, reacting to his grief. Most of it passed in a blur, because Robert couldn’t concentrate on the words that were said. They didn’t mean much about Aaron, the man Robert had known and loved.

“I can’t…” Liv said about halfway through the service. She looked at Robert, shaking her head as she ran out of the church, everyone staring at her.

“Don’t wait for us,” Robert whispered to Vic before following Liv out of the church. He found her sitting on a bench in the cemetery, tears rolling down her face. Once he’d found himself in the fresh air, he found breathing easier somehow. The atmosphere in that church had been oppressive and wrong.

“Didn’t want to make it to the bitter end?” Robert asked, sitting next to her.

“I can’t be there,” Liv said. “It’s not right!”

“No, it’s not,” Robert said.

“Sorry,” Liv said, grumbling. “I’m not going to do anything stupid, if that’s what your thinking. Go back and say goodbye to him properly, I‘ll go home.”

“I’ve already said goodbye to him,” Robert said, not too upset about missing Aaron‘s funeral, he hadn’t wanted to go in the first place. Maybe it should bother him, but he‘d said his goodbyes in the morgue, looking at Aaron’s motionless body. It’d been awful, quite possibly the worst memory of his life, but it’d been private and personal, a few moments that were his alone that he didn't have to share. “I’m not a big fan of funerals. Mostly they’ve got nothing to do with the person who’s gone.” Liv nodded in agreement.

“Look, I found something. In Aaron’s things,” Robert said. “He’d been looking for a house for the three of us.”

“He had?” Liv asked in surprise.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “The estate agent showed me the house Aaron wanted. It’s perfect, it’s wonderful for us, it would have been. I bought it.”

“Just like that?” Liv asked.

“It’s only money,” Robert said with a shrug, unable to believe how much he’d changed in a couple of years. “Even if I overpaid. Anyway, it’s got a bedroom for you. If you wanted to stay with me, you’d be welcome.” Robert knew he’d touched on this before, but he wanted her to know he was serious. “I wanted to give you the option.”

“Are you sure?” Liv asked. “You’re not just doing this because you promised Aaron…”

“Of course not,” Robert said. “You’re the person Aaron loved most in the world. In spite of your other charms, that would be enough.”

“He loved you,” Liv said, interrupting him.

“I know he did,” Robert said, more sure about Aaron’s feelings than he could ever remember being. “But, it’s more than that. I want you with me, Liv. If your mother insists, I doubt there’s anything I can do about it though, I’m not a relative of yours, I’d never get custody of you. It’s an offer, if you want it.”

“I called her,” Liv said quietly. “Asked if I could stay with you.”

“And?”

“She’s fine with it,” Liv said, clearly disappointed. “She’s got a new guy, and I’m… not exactly welcome.”

“Did she say that?”

“It’s what she meant,” Liv said with a very Aaron like shrug. “I know I want to be with you, Robert. But it still hurts to think my mum doesn’t want me.”

“I know,” Robert said fervently. Liv looked at him curiously. “My dad. It does hurt when you think your parent doesn’t want you. I do know how that feels, Liv.”

“We do okay together, don’t we?” Liv said.

“I think we do,” Robert said, wrapping an arm around her. 

“Do you want to go back into the church?” Liv shook her head against Robert’s shoulder, she couldn’t face it, and to be honest, Robert didn’t blame her. “I can’t. You can, I’ll be fine on my own.” But Robert shook his head.

“Want to try and thrash Aaron’s time trial records on Mario Kart?”

“Yes,” she said, smiling at him. “That sounds like fun.”

* * *

 

“No, no, no,” Robert said staring at the screen. “Ah, Liv, you’ve just missed the short cut!”

“Hey, it’s my turn!” Liv shouted. “Don’t backseat drive.”

“You’ll never beat Aaron’s time like this,” Robert grumbled. Neither of them mentioned that that was the entire point. At the end of every race on the computer game, Aaron’s best time’s popped up. Seeing his name on the screen made Robert’s heart ache. But in a good way.

* * *

 

An hour later they’d moved on so they were playing against each other, Robert determined to win, though Liv was very good. They completely ignored Chas as she came in, until she stood in front of the screen. “So, the two of you walk out of my sons funeral, the man you both love, to sit here playing video games?” Chas asked, looking at the pair of them critically. “Because that makes sense.”

“Chas, step to the left would you, can’t see anything,” Liv said, trying to peer around her.

“Don’t you two care?!” Chas shouted.

Robert paused the game. “Liv, go upstairs for two minutes, would you?” She grumbled but did as he asked. Robert stood up, looking at Chas. “Don’t you ever say I don’t care about your son,” Robert said quietly but firmly. “Don’t act like every minute of my life, I don’t see how he looked like when he was dying in my arms. The pain on his face as he was bleeding to death. That will haunt me forever, Chas. But the funeral isn’t about him, he isn’t the man in that box. He‘s gone. I saw the moment he left us.”

“Stop it,” Chas said harshly.

“I’m sat here playing a stupid game with Liv, because we can both see Aaron sat in that chair, laughing with a bottle of beer in his hand as he always beat us. That’s the Aaron we want to remember. Not him buried in the cold ground. Don’t you dare say we don’t care.” Chas looked a little shocked at that outburst, no idea what to say. “I know we don’t agree on a lot of things, but…” Robert swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I will love him for the rest of my life. I’m not stupid, I know how special he is. Was,” Robert corrected, feeling emotional. “He was the love of my life, don’t ever say I don’t care, or that I’ve forgotten him. Just because my grief doesn’t fit what you think it should.”

“Sorry,” she said, suitably mollified. “I did want to say something to you, though.” Robert waited. “Thank you. When he was… when Aaron was dying, you were there for him. You helped him, you made it better for him, easier. I had nothing to say, I just sat there crying over him. I was so useless”

“I didn’t tell him I loved him, Chas,” he said, sitting down again, his legs having lost their strength. “I’ve run that night over in my head a thousand times and I never told him how much I love him. He told me, but I never…”

“He knew,” Chas said firmly.

“He was dying in front of me and I didn’t tell him,” Robert said sadly.

“When he was fading, he wanted you,” Chas said simply. “He needed to see you. He knew how you felt, Robert. He‘d never have let you anywhere near him unless he knew you loved him.”

“I have to believe that,” Robert said quietly. “It’s the only way I can keep getting up in the morning." He shouted in the direction of the stairs. "Liv, I’m in first place," Robert picking up the control and returning to the video game.

“You started without me?” she asked, almost bouncing into the room and picking up her controller. She smiled before they got sucked back into the game, Chas walking out.

* * *

 

They day had passed slowly, and dusk was just falling when Robert made it back to the cemetery, finding his grace. The earth was freshly turned where Aaron’s resting place was, flowers laying on the grave, and Robert glanced around to make sure no one was listening to him.

“Sorry for missing half of your funeral,” Robert said quietly. “Our girl needed me and I know you would have understood. I promised you, and I meant it, I will look after her, Aaron. We both don’t like funerals anyway, not even yours. Wasn’t really very you, either.” Robert took a deep breath. “She is so like you sometimes, Aaron.” Robert took a deep shaky breath. “I hate that you’re going to miss it all. We were meant to have time.” Robert shook his head, feeling the emotion coming to the front yet again, not wanting to cry.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to come and visit you that often,” Robert said. “It’s not that I don’t want to, but this hurts so much to see you like this. Gone.” Robert took another deep breath. He wasn’t going to linger here, this grave had such a faint echo of the man he loved it felt unreal. “. I will be back at some point to talk to you. Probably when I’ve made a right mess of things again, I always do." He paused before saying the final thing he wanted to. "I love you, Aaron.” Robert took one last look before going back home, knowing a part of Aaron would never leave him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's any interest, I have an idea to see how Robert manages to cope in 3 months time, 6 months, a year and so on. Don't know if there's any interest in that idea though?


End file.
